Red
by Adara-chan67
Summary: In Hiei’s opinion, his life royally sucks, and so he cuts. What will happen when he finds out that he isn’t quite as alone as he thought? Is it too late to go back or has he reached the point of no return? Songfic, shounen ai, HieiKurama.
1. Hold On

_DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything in this story except for the plot._

_Characters: Hiei and Kurama, with appearances by various other Reikai Tentei members and Yu Yu cast_

_Setting: Any time after the Dark Tournament_

_Warnings: Self-harm, dark thoughts_

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Chapter 1

**This world,**

**This world is cold.**

**But you don't,**

**You don't have to go.**

**You're feeling sad,**

**You're feeling lonely,**

**And no one seems to care.**

**You're mother's gone and your father hits you.**

**This pain you cannot bear.**

Hiei watched with interest as the blood dripped down his arm, falling onto the snow beneath him. He had never tried this before, and it felt…strange. Painful, but not, like he was doing it to someone else. He drew his sword across his arm again, higher this time, and a second river of blood joined the first, accompanied by the flicker of pain that was Hiei's goal.

As he waited for the blood to slow so that he could make his third cut, he looked around him. He was in the Ningenkai, in the park. It was either very late at night or quite early in the morning. Either way, the park was dark and deserted, except for him.

Looking down again, Hiei saw that the blood from the second cut was stopping, and so he cut a third, about an inch above the first. As he watched the blood flow, his mind drifted back through all of the battles his body had survived, how many rivers exactly like this one he had seen sliding down his body, most of them of his own blood. But this was unlike any fight he'd ever been involved in. This was open war…on himself.

**But we all bleed**

**The same way as you do,**

**And we all have the same things to go through.**

**Hold on**

**If you feel like letting go.**

**Hold on.**

**It gets better than you know.**

It was as the last cut was drying on his arm that Hiei noticed how light the sky was getting. He had better get going; he knew of at least one person who got up this early every morning, and usually took a walk in this very park before breakfast. And that person just happened to be the _last_ one Hiei wanted to see him like this. Even the Oaf would have been better.

Hiei gathered up his sword, cloak, and sheath, using his cut arm as much as possible, and flitted off over the snow, leaving such shallow prints that they were filled by the falling snowflakes a couple of seconds after each step, heading for the only tree nearby that was tall enough for him to see the whole park without being seen, where he always waited at this time of the morning.

He found it easily, as he always used the same tree, but the real difficulty this morning lay in climbing the thing. Usually, he simply leapt from one branch to the other all the way to the top, but today, he was having a bit of a problem that involved his arms and legs suddenly turning to lead at odd moments. He wasn't worried—he knew from experience that he hadn't cut too deep—but it _was_ annoying.

Finally, he reached his spot, and settled himself on the branch he always sat on. Absently, he folded his cloak into a rectangle, and wrapped it around his arm—he'd clean it later to get rid of the scent of blood—his mind faraway as he looked around the park.

At last, he saw a figure walking slowly into view, his nose, as usual, buried in a book. Hiei smiled fondly as Kurama walked over to the park bench he himself had just vacated, never looking up…well, not at first.

But then the kitsune stiffened and closed his book, laying it aside. He stood up, and did something rather odd—he began to walk slowly in a circle, staring at the ground.

Hiei, realizing what he was doing, muttered, "Damn…" But there was nothing he could do about it, not now.

Kurama seemed at last to find what he had been looking for, and he stopped and knelt, sifting his hand through the snow, which was still red under the fresh powdering. The snow had covered the small puddle of Hiei's blood, but it hadn't had time to mix yet, and Kurama's sensitive sense of smell would, of course, have picked the scent up.

Kurama stood, and looked around him. "Hiei?" he called tensely. "Hiei, are you here? If you are, please, come out. Hiei?"

Hiei made himself as small as possible and didn't move, praying Kurama wouldn't see him through the bare branches and trying to ignore the flicker of internal pain at the worry in Kurama's voice. Kurama kept calling to him, but eventually, when Hiei never answered, the kitsune got his book and headed back to his house, looking preoccupied, worried, and extremely, horribly sad.

**Your days,**

**You say they're way too long,**

**And your nights,**

**You can't sleep at all.**

**Hold on.**

**And you're not sure what you're looking for,  
**

**But you don't want to no more.**

**And you're not sure what you're waiting for,**

**But you don't want to no more.**

Kurama barely managed to contain his relief when he saw Hiei the next morning as the group headed to the Reikai to meet with Koenma, even though the Jaganshi looked terrible. He had been so worried all night, fearing that his teammate had been hurt, or, far, far, worse, killed. He had spent half the night listening to the voice of logic in his head telling him that he would have caught the attacker's scent along with Hiei's if the fire demon had been attacked, and the other half telling that first voice to shut up and let him panic.

Now, though, his fear died, though his concern only deepened. Hiei obviously hadn't eaten or slept in days…weeks…probably not since the accident.

Well did he remember that night. He knew it was burned in his memory forever. Over and over, he saw the two bodies, lying side by side, both of them looking peaceful enough to be asleep, if not for the gaping, bloody wounds in each of their chests.

And it must have been so much worse for Hiei. The Jaganshi had not spoken—unless someone else asked him a direct question—since then. Nor had he eaten or slept, obviously. Kurama was just glad that they hadn't had any missions. How could Hiei hold his own in combat in this state?

With immense difficulty, Kurama turned his thoughts away from Hiei and forced himself to wonder idly why Koenma had summoned them. He _really_ hoped that if it was a mission, Hiei would be forced by Koenma to sit it out…something he had never, ever even thought of as a possibility before.

**But we all bleed**

**The same way as you do,**

**And we all have the same things to go through.**

**Hold on**

**If you feel like letting go.**

**Hold on, **

**It gets better than you know.**

Koenma was in his usual bad temper when Yusuke, Kuwabara, Kurama and Hiei entered his office, all looking unusually grave. They took up chairs, except for Hiei, who went to stand against the wall.

Koenma stamped the last paper in one stack and, sighing, dragged over another one before closing his inkpad and setting it and the stamp aside, and looking up. "Well, I'll make this as quick as possible. You have a mission, which you no doubt figured out on your way here. This one shouldn't be difficult—it's just a low-class demon that escaped from one of the lesser-security Reikai prisons, and went to Makai. He shouldn't be that hard to track down, which is what you're obviously going to do—get him and bring him back here, alive if possible. However, since this is such a simple task, I will only be sending Hiei this time."

Kurama tried hard to keep his reaction from showing, but he felt all of the blood drain from his face at these words, and knew he was as white as a ghost. Yusuke and Kuwabara had a bit of trouble, though. Kuwabara gaped openly, and Yusuke said quickly, "Wouldn't it be faster for me to go?"

Koenma shuffled the papers on his desk, looking nervous. "Yes, well…Hiei is the only one who…doesn't have…erm…school."

"Since when have you cared about that?" Yusuke snapped. "Look, toddler, I…"

"The subject is _closed_, Yusuke," Koenma said firmly. "Hiei, you can leave for Makai today. I'll expect you back in no less than two days. Now, good_bye_."

Hiei got up and left without a word, and Yusuke and Kuwabara followed, both looked angry and worried. Kurama, though, hung back, and as soon as everyone was gone, he turned on Koenma. "What the _hell_ do you think you're playing at? He can't _possibly_ go and fight in that state!" he snarled, slamming his hands on the desk and scattering papers everywhere.

Koenma pulled his stamp toward him, picked up the first paper in the enormous stack, read the top line, stamped "DENIED" on it, and picked up the next paper. "That's just it, we don't _know_ that. We _can't _know until we let him fight alone! He's a valuable member of this team, my dad would _kill _me if I let him go, and I need to make sure that I haven't lost him as a detective, Kurama. The only way to _do_ that is to send him away alone! Don't _worry_, there isn't even any demon to chase; I made that up! He'll just spend a couple of days there, fighting low class demons and then come home completely unscathed. So calm _down_!"

"But…I…you _bastard!"_ Kurama said, shouting now. "You're gonna send him out there, in that emotional and physical condition, alone, just to make sure _you're_ off the hook with your _father_? I knew you were a cold little man, Koenma, but this is low even for you!"

"I don't need to justify myself to you, Kurama. Trust me, this is for the best. Now go, you'll be late for school," Koenma said coolly.

Kurama debated whether or not to keep arguing, but he doubted even he could win over the fear and coldness that the Reikai King had instilled in his son. So, he stood up straight, and gave Koenma a glare that would have rivaled one of Hiei's own. "If anything happens to him, Koenma, you will regret ever meeting me, no matter what form I have taken."

And as he stalked out of the office, Koenma would have been willing to swear that there was a golden glint in his eyes.

**Don't stop looking,**

**You're one step closer.**

**Don't stop searching,**

**It's not over.**

**Hold on.**

Hiei walked slowly across eternally flat land, sword drawn but hanging limply at his side, head down and steps dragging. Two more cuts brought forth fresh blood, each twice as long as the others, but he still had not achieved his goal—to get the pain in his body to match the pain in his heart, which he hoped would make the inner pain…less, somehow.

A month ago, he would have laughed at himself for even thinking those last soft words, but now it was simply the truth. He just wanted it to go away…

But then _why_ couldn't he just do it? _Why_ could he not make himself cut the vein in his wrist rather than just skin? One smooth slash and it would all be _over_.

The fact was, though, that every time he tried it, a face swam into view, a face with bright green eyes, framed by red hair, accompanied by that gentle smile, and then he simply lost the will to take his own life. It wasn't a _good_ feeling…it just made him feel temporarily empty rather than sad. But it had kept him alive.

Not that it mattered, of course. He found it hard to believe, now, that he had ever considered life worth living. No one had _ever_ given him a reason to think so, except…

_No_.

Hiei forced the thought from his mind and kept dragging himself forward. The sooner he got this done, the sooner he could go back…

This was another new thing about him. Every time he was in Makai now, he found himself thinking longingly of the Ningenkai, even the snow-covered parts of it.

He was human-whipped, no getting around it.

Now, why did that thought make him feel slightly less sad?

**What are you looking for?**

**What are you waiting for?**

**Do you know what you're doing to me?**

**Go ahead.**

**What are you waiting for?**

It was on the second day that Hiei ran into another demon for the first time since entering Makai, and this demon could have easily won the award for worst timing possible.

Hiei had been resting against a tree, making a couple of new slashes in his arm—he had seven now—and wondering where to look next, when a low voice said, "Now, _this_ is an interesting sight." Hiei jumped, for once startled, and bit back a yelp as his blade slid off course and made a curving line down his arm, crossing two other cuts.

Now, normally, he would have reacted immediately, and killed the demon with one slice of his sword, but he was moving a bit slower these days, and before he could move, a club caught him in the ribs, and he fell. He rolled as the demon came for another attack and went to raise his sword, but something odd was happening…he did manage to wrap his fingers around the hilt, but his grip was strangely weak, and his fingers weren't obeying his brain.

_Oh, Kami-sama_…Hiei thought, as his hand slackened of its own accord and his sword fell to the ground. _I've cut too deep…_

**Hold on**

**If you feel like letting go.**

**Hold on,**

**It gets better than you know.**

**Don't stop looking.**

**You're one step closer.**

**Don't stop searching.**

**It's not over.**

**Hold on.**

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_Author's Note: Well, what did you think? Horrible? I'm not too great at the angsty-mega-depressed type stories—I mostly do fluff—but maybe it wasn't so bad for a first try…REVIEW, PLEASE! Anyone to guess what two things Hiei is unhappy about gets a virtual plushie!_


	2. Lean on Me

_DISCLAIMER: I OWN LESS THAN NOTHING!_

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Chapter 2

**Sometimes in our lives,**

**We all have pain.**

**We all have sorrow.**

**But if we are wise,**

**We know there's always tomorrow.**

_+Flashback+_

"_Yukina, get back! Get back!" Hiei yelled, jerking his sword from its sheath and running to shove his sister out of the way. She stumbled but didn't fall, and backed quickly away, to go back to attacking with ice. _

_The gigantic creature they were fighting hovered nearby, throwing its five tentacles every which way, trying to hit one of them. It had succeeded, many times; Kuwabara lay on the ground, his right leg open to the bone, bleeding but not fatal, Yusuke had one hand over a wound in his stomach as he fought, and Kurama had a gash across his cheek. Hiei, Yukina and Genkai, who was in her younger form, were all unhurt but tiring. The fight had been going on for at least an hour, probably more._

_Hiei guessed that Koenma had known that this would be difficult; why else would he send all six of them? But he doubted that even the toddler king had guessed the extent of it. This thing was beginning to seem impossible to kill._

_Well, it wasn't for lack of trying._

_Hiei raised his sword. "Hey!" he shouted, leaping forward to slash at a tentacle and missing as it swung around to aim for Genkai, who was losing speed. The thing must have sensed that the old woman in a young body was not able to fight as long or as hard as the rest, because it was suddenly focusing most of its attention on her, though it kept two tentacles free to attack the others who were jumping, dodging and attacking around it._

_Meanwhile, Yukina had been attempting to freeze the creature from the inside, but she had not been at all successful, and after a while she gave up and left the others to it and went over to drag Kuwabara to the side, so she could heal him._

_It was after he rejoined the fight, his leg tender but still useable, that everything began to go to hell._

_His sword had about as much affect as all of the other weapons, but now the thing had all six fighters to contend with again. Having only five tentacles, it had to pick one of them to leave out, and it choose Yukina, probably because she had been of so little danger so far._

_Yukina took full advantage of this, and within ten minutes Hiei, Kurama and Kuwabara were shielded by icy energy, and she was working on Yusuke. She worked quickly, lest the thing notice what she was doing and go after her before she could finish. _

_But it wasn't fast enough. She had just finished Yusuke's shield when the demon struck at Genkai, and this time it was enough. The sharpened tentacle drove through her chest, and without a sound Genkai collapsed._

_Yukina's scream split through the air. "GENKAI!" she cried, racing to her fallen mentor and teacher. Hiei had time to glimpse her crouching next to the old lady, before a tentacle swung into view again. Annoyed, he batted it away and glanced again at his sister._

_What he saw made his head spin. His eyes sent the message to his brain, which refused to comprehend. _

_Yukina lay on the ground next to Genkai, the back of her snow-white kimono bathed in blood. She wasn't moving, and it didn't look like she was breathing. _

_Hiei stood, completely transfixed, staring at Yukina's body. He couldn't move, couldn't think or feel or fight. His little twin sister was dead. She had died not even knowing that the brother she had long searched for had been there all along. It had happened so quickly…she had been taken from him in the blink of an eye, it seemed. It was…unbelievable. _

_And then one thought forced its way through the numb fog that was his mind: this thing must pay._

_Time, which had thoughtfully been standing still, allowing Hiei time to think, became bored and raced forward again, but this time the correct path was as clear to Hiei has if someone had showed him a diagram. He dodged a tentacle as easily as if the world was moving in slow motion and leapt toward the place where the five tentacles joined the body, the place where the heart must surely be. While the others fought on the outside, Hiei battled through the tentacles and made his final blows. _

_It was shockingly easy, now that he couldn't feel the sharp pain of the flailing limbs, or hear the screeches of the monster, or think about what would happen if they lost, now that all he was doing was…existing, outside of himself, killing and watching himself kill at the same time. No thought, no feelings…only death._

_It made things simple._

Cut across, slash upward, block a tentacle, chop another, and then thrust, and it's over…

_Hiei followed the instructions as his mind spoke them, and within moments the creature was dead. Hiei never comprehended the dying screams that would forever haunt the others, nor did he feel the black blood soaking his hands or smell the stench of death._

_The next few minutes passed in a blur. Hiei went over and lifted Yukina's body in his arms, studying her face. Her eyes were closed; her chest was still; her already-cold hand did not so much as twitch as he grasped it. She looked peaceful enough to sleep, but she wasn't asleep; she had indeed left him behind to walk in the realms of the dead. _

_He did not try to speak to her, to pull her back into the living world; she was beyond that, and he knew it, and simply held her, for a long time, until someone—he never remembered who, but he thought it might have been Kurama—gently took Yukina from his arms, and then the same person lifted him up and the rest was lost in hours of darkness._

_+End Flashback+_

**Lean on me,**

**When you're not strong,**

**And I'll be your friend.**

**I'll help you carry on.**

**For it won't be long**

'**Til I'm gonna need**

**Somebody to lean on.**

The dream-memory ended, and Hiei opened his eyes to a few surprises.

For one thing, he hadn't ever actually expected to wake up at all. When he had fallen into blackness under the club of the demon, he had thought—hoped, really—that that was it. But apparently, fate had other plans for him.

This thought brought another bitter smile. Since when did he believe in fate, anyway?

The second surprise was that he was obviously back in the Ningenkai, with no clue as to how he got there. It was a well-known fact that one who lost a fight in Makai _never_ escaped with their freedom, if they didn't lose their lives. And all signs had pointed to death…

The third and final shocker was that he wasn't even in a tree, which was where he had spent most of his life in both worlds. Instead, he was in a human's house, lying on a human's bed. He was covered in a blanket and he was missing his shirt. His chest seemed to be covered in bandages that wrapped over his shoulder and down his arm, where it bound his hand. That arm was strapped across his chest in a sling, which was rather annoying. His leg was also strangely immobile. When he tried to move anything on the right side of his body, pain shot through him, worse than anything he had experienced with the cutting. He recognized the feel of broken bones, but he wasn't sure exactly where. Best not to move until he knew for sure.

So, he fell to examining the room.

It seemed rather ordinary, as far as bedrooms go. He had been inside Yukina's room at the dojo once, though, and compared to that, this one was quite unusual. There was a large square window on one wall, and under this window there was a brown wooden desk, with a photo of a little red-haired boy with a black-haired woman on one side, a strange black thing on the other (he would later find out that it as a laptop computer) and many papers in between. On the other side of the room was a large dresser with another box on it, bigger than the one on the desk (a TV, he would be told later) and next to the TV was a rectangular silver thing (a stereo.) Another thing about the room was that there seemed to be an unusual number of plants.

_An unusual number of plants…oh, _no…

Hiei accidentally drew in a sharp breath, and pain flared to life again. Ignoring it, as he was accustomed to doing, he made a valiant effort to sit up—and failed miserably. To his astonishment, none of his limbs seemed able to support themselves.

Weak and shaking, he lay against the pillows, waiting until the pain subsided so he could have another try. Because he knew who this room belonged to now, and he could _not_ face its occupant right now…

**Please swallow your pride,**

**If I have things**

**You need to borrow,**

**For no one can fill those of your needs**

**That you don't let show.**

He was still lying there, staring at the ceiling, when the door cracked open and Kurama appeared. Hiei quickly closed his eyes and feigned sleep, and waited until he heard the door close again, before he opened them again and continued to study the white ceiling, thinking,

From the look of things, he wouldn't be going anywhere soon. He was stuck. And he very much doubted that Kurama would buy the faking sleep thing until he was well enough to sneak out.

But if he stayed, Kurama would ask him what the marks on his arm were, and Hiei could never lie to the fox. He would have to explain, and he knew that the story would cut Kurama deeply. And Hiei was about as able to cause Kurama pain as he was able to lie to him.

So what to do?

But maybe Kurama wouldn't ask for explanations. Maybe…

Before he could continue his thoughts, the door opened again and a voice said, "Hiei, I know you're awake. You can't fool me."

**Lean on me,**

**When you're not strong,**

**And I'll be your friend.**

**I'll help you carry on.**

**For it won't be long**

'**Til I'm gonna need**

**Somebody to lean on.**

Hiei grimaced inwardly, and slowly opened his eyes.

Kurama stood at the foot of the bed, watching him carefully. His features looked rather rigid, but his eyes showed only concern as he came over to Hiei's side, and his voice was nothing but kind as he spoke. "I'm glad to see that you're awake," he said softly, setting the cup he carried down on his bedside table and gently propping Hiei up on the pillows. Hiei didn't resist; he didn't care what anyone did with or to him. "How are you feeling?"

"Why am I here?" Hiei demanded, pain making him sharp.

Kurama must have noticed his tone but he overlooked it. "The truth, Hiei. Are you hurting badly?"

Hiei sighed. Kurama had asked for the truth, and he had tried lying to Kurama before. It never got him anywhere. "It's a little…agonizing," he admitted. "But I'll be all right."

"Mm-hmm…well, I did the best I could, but you had a lot of broken bones that will take time to heal. But if you keep drinking that—" he gestured to the cup, "—it will take less time." He picked up the cup and pressed it into Hiei's good hand. "Drink."

Hiei held the cup but turned to Kurama. "How did I end up here? I thought I was dead."

"Not for lack of trying," Kurama said darkly, but it was hard to tell what he was talking about. He studied Hiei, and then he said, "When you went to Makai, I have to admit that you looked bad. I didn't think you'd be able to fight on your own. I got worried, and then, when you didn't turn up after a day and a half, I went to search for you, against Koenma's orders. You weren't hard to find, and when I got there you were nearly dead. I killed the demon and brought you back here. That was three days ago, and you've been asleep since then. I had to force that medicine down you while you slept. Koenma's ticked off at me, and Yusuke's been calling every day, to pass news of you on." Hiei scowled and Kurama smiled in spite of himself. "They were only worried for you, Hiei."

"So…you saved me."

"You're my teammate."

Now, a normal person would have thanked Kurama then, but Hiei only felt sad. He had missed his chance…

"Drink that, Hiei. You'll feel better," Kurama said, gently but firmly.

His tone allowed no argument, and Hiei took a sip from the glass. It was actually good, to his surprise, not at all bitter. He should have guessed, though; Kurama was always looking for ways for his plant concoctions to both help illness and taste good. As he drank, the pain lessened and soon there was only a dull ache.

"So how broken am I?" he asked, trying to sound casual.

"Pretty bad. Cracked ribs, fractured leg, sprained arm, broken collarbone, which is the worst. The rest will be fine in a few days with help from my plants, but your collarbone will be sore for at least a month. But all in all, it could be a lot worse." Kurama stood and turned away, busying himself with straightening his desk. His voice had an edge to it when he spoke again. "I saw the cuts."

**If there is a load**

**You have to bear**

**  
That you can't carry,**

**  
I'm right up the road.**

**  
I'll share your load**

**  
If you just call me.**

Hiei cursed fluently to himself as Kurama turned back to him. For the first time, Hiei noticed how worn the fox looked. There were dark shadows under his eyes, and he looked paler than usual. His usually smooth hair was messy, and his hands shook as he took Hiei's empty cup and set it aside.

How long had he been like this?

Thinking back, Hiei realized that Kurama had seemed strained for a while now…ever since their disastrous mission in Makai, as a matter of fact. And Hiei had been too depressed to notice.

A sickly feeling of guilt swept through him, but before he could dwell on it, Kurama turned back to him.

"Why did you do it, Hiei?"

**So just call on me, brother,**

**When you need a hand.**

**We all need somebody**

**To lean on.**

**I just might have a problem**

**That you'd understand.**

**We all need somebody**

**To lean on.**

Hiei stared hard at the blankets. This was the part he had been dreading. He could hardly stand the hurt in Kurama's voice as he repeated the question.

"I was just…hurt…when she died," he said. "Inside. I've _never_ felt that way before, ever. Not even when Mukuro—" He choked. "When Mukuro died. I wanted to make it go away."

"So you started cutting yourself? What made you think that could possibly help?" Kurama demanded.

Hiei winced at his harshness. "I just…I thought that if I made myself hurt on the outside, the pain on the inside would lessen. It was stupid, I know. But it seemed so…_logical_…at the time."

"No, Hiei, what was stupid was keeping it bottled up inside," Kurama told him, and now there was no anger in his voice, only sorrow. "Why didn't you talk to someone?"

"Like who? Some human _therapist_?" Hiei asked bitterly.

"Like _me_, you idiot!" Kurama snapped.

Hiei looked up quickly, and found that Kurama was still watching him, and there was another new look in his eyes, one Hiei couldn't place, but it made him feel suddenly less miserable again.

"I…I couldn't do that."

"Why not?" Kurama asked gently.

"I just couldn't!"

Kurama didn't say a word, letting his silence encourage Hiei to go on.

Hiei sighed, feeling the ache get deeper, but there was no sharp pain. It was now or never. Truthfully, he preferred never, but that would force him to lie.

"I just…Yukina died thinking that her brother had abandoned her. It's all I've been thinking about for almost a month. I…damnit, _why didn't I tell her_?"

"Hiei…"

"Don't you dare tell me it's all right, Kurama. It isn't! Nothing is all right!" His voice softened. "It never will be again."

"Hiei, _she knew_," Kurama said forcefully.

Hiei looked up, hardly daring to believe it. "What?"

"She knew you were her brother. She guessed it soon after she asked you to try and find him. She knew that you could find anyone, no matter who, after a mere couple of _days_, so when months went by with no word, she finally figured it out. She asked me, and after some pressing I confirmed it. She was happy just to know, and she didn't need to ask you. Maybe I should have told you, but…I know you, and you would just have run. And so I kept it a secret."

"But…but she was happy, right?"

"Oh, yes, Hiei. She was happy."

To his shame, Hiei felt tears fill his eyes, and before he could stop them they spilled over. All of the pent-up frustration, guilt, anger, and sadness exploded at once, and suddenly he was sobbing so hard that the whole right side of his body burned, and still he couldn't stop.

He felt that he should have been ashamed when Kurama sat down on the bed next to him and pulled him into his arms, but he guessed that he was even beyond that. He simply buried his face in the kitsune's shoulder and cried.

**Lean on me,**

**When you're not strong,**

**And I'll be your friend.**

**I'll help you carry on,**

**For it won't be long**

'**Til I'm gonna need**

**Somebody to lean on.**

Hiei wasn't sure how long he sat there with Kurama, but by the time his tears slowed, his insides still burned and his throat ached, but he felt clean inside for the first time in weeks. He was now content to just sit there and let Kurama hold him.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this, Hiei," Kurama said softly. "I wish I could have helped you…"

Hiei leaned back, and whispered, "You just did…but Kurama…there was another reason I didn't tell you." He steeled himself inside. Now that he had admitted one thing, he felt the need to tell Kurama everything he had been feeling over the last weeks, even though he knew nothing good would come of it.

"Oh? Well, why don't you explain it to me?" Kurama asked, releasing him, much to his disappointment, and leaning back against the headboard.

"I will, but…you have to promise not to say a word until I'm finished. This is hard enough as it is."

"I promise."

Hiei looked away, unwilling to watch Kurama's face as he confessed. "Kurama, I've had feelings toward you for a long time, feelings I couldn't explain. At first, I thought it was just friendship, because I'd never had a friend before. But then…after Yukina died, everything became clear. What I feel for you is not friendship. Friendship is what I feel when I think of the Detective and…and even the Oaf, and if you tell either of them I will carve you like one of those American Halloween thingies. My feelings for you are deeper than companionship. I couldn't tell you, because you'd be disgusted by me, and I couldn't stand the mere thought of that. I thought I could deal with just staying your friend, but…I couldn't. It got worse and worse every time I saw you and knew that I couldn't have you. That added to the pain I was already in, and that's when I started cutting, instead of talking to you about it, even though the thought did cross my mind a fair few times. And now it's all pointless, because you're going to despise me, anyway, and…"

He might have babbled on for hours, just to avoid what would happen when he finished, but he was stopped abruptly when Kurama kissed him.

He wasn't sure which one of them was more shocked, but he was pretty sure it was him. He had expected many different scenarios while he had been talking, but _this_ had never been so much as a blip on the radar.

Kurama leaned back after a few moments, and Hiei whispered, "Kurama, what--?"

"Shut up," Kurama whispered, and kissed him again.

Hiei's mind jumped to all sorts of crazy places, and he spent a few moments dwelling on all the ways this could be a trick, but then he realized what was going on, and the idea that Kurama really did have the same feelings for him shut his mind up completely.

Along with a few other things…

**Lean on me...**

* * *

_Author's Note: This chapter took longer than it should have, but I was working on two other stories, too, so that's KIND OF an explanation…Also, I'm really sorry that the formatting on this story and every other one of my stories is so screwed up--the song lyrics were supposed to be very clearly separated from the story, and there was a lot that was supposed to be shown differently--but this site isn't very good and they screw up everyone's story format, so there's that explanation...don't even know why I bother staying on this site, except that all of my reviewers are here...otherwise I'd move to Mediaminer permanently. But I'm rambling, so I'll just cut to the chase. REVIEW, PLEASE!_

* * *

**Reviewers' comments:**

**Yarrie**: Hey! Thanks for the review! I haven't heard from you in a while…were you the one who sent me the Fanfiction petition? Just wondering…

**KoveAiden**: Thanks for the review, and as you can see I did continue it. I hope you liked this chapter. Isn't it sad? I cried the whole time I was killing Yukina…oddly enough I didn't worry too much about Genkai…mean, huh? But I mean, she was old, she had a good life, and they talked a lot about her death in the last episode anyway…but I'm babbling, yes? I'm gonna leave now…**tries to leave room and walks into wall**

**East Kaioshin**: Thanks for the really really nice review! I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY PORTRAYED SOMEONE RIGHT! You'd be shocked at how little that happens…then again, Koenma is one of the most annoying characters, and I like writing annoying people.

**kikira-san**: Thanks for the review! And yeah, I did get a little heavy on the Kurama-issue-thing, but I was really actually trying to portray him as leaning toward his Yoko side, and we all know that Yoko was a very cold, very beautiful guy…so, now that you know who the other body was, how much do you hate me? I killed Yukina AND Genkai off, and almost Hiei, all in one chapter. I was actually planning for Hiei to die, but I couldn't do it! I had to cover it up in the end and make it look like I'd been planning to do it this way all along…how did I do on that, anyway? Oh, and also, it's okay for you to be in Hyper Reviewer Mode. I'm in Hyper Authoress Mode right now, hence the babbling…

**darknesspirals**: HA! I DIDN'T KILL HIEI! As I said above, I was planning to…but I like it this way better. And yes, we WILL get to see Kurama verbally throw down with Koenma, but not yet. I wonder how things will go for Hiei and Kurama…I still am not sure, you see…which might make writing the next chapter a bit difficult, now that I think of it…

**T.K. Yurikoto**: Thanks for the review! And I know, I feel like crying every time I write! So sad…**tears**

**KyoHana**: Thanks for the review, and tell me how you liked this chapter!


	3. I'm Still Here

_DISCLAIMER: I am throwing out the negative and looking to the positive. The plot is mine._

* * *

Chapter 3

**I am a question to the world,****  
Not an answer to be heard,  
Or a moment  
That's held in your arms.**

Hiei woke in a sea of red, but he didn't think it was the blood he was used to. It fell across his face, and it was soft, and it tickled. He smiled, and brushed the hair away, clearing the face beneath.

Kurama slept still, blissfully unaware of how closely he was being watched. His lips curved upward in a little smile, and his chest rose and fell gently with each breath. Hiei realized that he was curled up in the kitsune's arms as if seeking protection where none needed to be found.

Hiei tightened his arms around his fox. _His_ fox. He liked that. It made him feel good inside, and that was certainly something to cherish, just like the memory of the night before…

He had, at first, been able to understand what Kurama's kiss meant. That Kurama really loved him—that something so wonderful could exist in this eternal darkness—was unthinkable. But as the night wore on, things became more and more real. All of his hurt, his dark thoughts, all of his doubt and even the pain of death, it was all swept away for a while…

**And what do you think you'd ever say?  
I won't listen anyway.  
You don't know me,  
And I'll never be what you want me to be.**

It had been very late—or rather, extremely early—when they had fallen asleep, and Hiei, for the first time in a long while, had not dreamed at all.

And now it was day, and he was still there, and shockingly enough, Kurama was, too. Hiei would have liked to just lie there and hold him, but a nagging worry kept tugging at his thoughts, one that he had not been able to forget about all night.

After Kurama had fallen asleep, Hiei had lain awake for a long time, trying to sort out his thoughts. The idea that Kurama really just felt sorry for him only crossed his mind for about a second; he knew the fox too well to ever _really_ think so.

No, that wasn't the problem. Hiei himself was the problem.

He had never been in a real relationship. It was…exhilarating, and frightening, and wonderful, all at once. But now that the first part was over, he was beginning to realize how little he had to bring to a relationship of any kind. He had made no accomplishments in his long life, except to be continually beaten up and/or kidnapped. He had managed to lose his only remaining family not long after finding her again, and he was generally unaccepted in most of the worlds. He had never thought of self-pity—it had always been just…the truth.

But he had already had this conversation with himself, and he reached the same conclusion now that he had the night before. He would simply wait until Kurama brought it up—which was inevitable—and _then_ he would work through these issues.

Until then, he would just be _happy_.

He was determined to be.

**And what do you think you'd understand?  
I'm a boy, no, I'm a man.  
You can't take me  
And throw me away.**

Hiei didn't know for sure when he fell asleep, but when he woke again, Kurama was gone. The mattress was still warm where he had been, so it hadn't been too long, but that didn't stop Hiei from worrying and wondering where he had gone.

The clock on the bedside table read 11:45, Hiei managed to conclude after contemplating it for several moments. Next to the clock, a new cup sat, still steaming. Hiei, grimacing—the pain that had left the night before had returned at full strength—reached over and picked it up, sniffing it. It looked and smelled like the stuff Kurama had given him last night, so he drank it, slowly, letting it dull the pain, listening for any sound that could tell him that Kurama was in the house. There was nothing.

So, when he finished the whole cup, Hiei moved the blankets aside and swung his legs over the side of the bed, pushing himself to his feet. For a moment the room spun, then fell into place. Once it did, he made his way carefully to the door and opened it, looking out into the empty hall, trying to figure out where to go. To his right, he saw a flight of steps leading downward, and after a moment's hesitation, he dragged himself to the stairs.

**And how can you learn what's never shown?  
Yeah, you stand here on your own.  
They don't know me,  
Cause I'm not here.**

Going down was difficult. That drink dulled the pain, but he was still weaker that he had ever been in his life. Loss of blood made his bones all noodley (to preserve his dignity, those are my words, not Hiei's) and every once in a while his legs would begin to shake and suddenly everything in front of him would double. But he finally made it down, and there he stopped, leaning against the banister, trying to decide, again, where to go.

He listened carefully. There was hardly any sound at all, in the whole house. But after a few moments, he heard soft noises to his left, behind a door. There was a strange, echoing _drip, drip, drip_, and then the _clink_ that he would come to recognize as glass on the counter or table. Even more importantly, he heard very soft, almost silent footsteps.

Hiei shoved himself away from the banister and walked unsteadily to the door. Once there, he forced his knees to stop shaking, his vision to return to normal, and his bones to hold his frame. He would _not_ allow Kurama to see his weakness.

Lifting his unbandaged hand, he pushed the door open.

**And I want a moment to be real.  
Wanna touch things I don't feel.  
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.  
And how can the world want me to change?  
They're the ones that stay the same.  
They don't know me,  
Cause I'm not here.**

Kurama was standing with his back to Hiei, at the counter, watching something odd—some kind of brown liquid dripping into a large, round, clear pot from a white thing. Next to the device sat a cup similar to the one in Kurama's bedroom upstairs.

"That's a weird contraption…" Hiei muttered, not even realizing he had spoken aloud until Kurama jumped and turned quickly.

The kitsune's eyes widened when he saw Hiei standing at the door, watching him. "Hiei, what are you doing down here?" he asked, sounding surprised but far from angry.

"I woke up and you were gone…" Hiei said rather stupidly, half of his mind being focused on staying up. "I came down to find you…" He pitched forward, fought to keep his balance, lost the battle, and fell into the table.

"Hiei, you shouldn't even be out of bed!" the fox scolded, but he was gentle as he rushed over and helped Hiei into a chair.

"I'm _fine_," Hiei snapped, forgetting who he was talking to.

**And you see the things they never see.  
All you wanted I could be.  
Now you know me,  
And I'm not afraid.**

The hands on his shoulders left suddenly, and Hiei glanced up to see Kurama looking at him, hurt in his eyes. Hiei felt a sweep of guilt; it seemed that all he had been doing lately was hurting the one he loved. He wanted to apologize, but the words wouldn't come. Instead, he asked, very softly, "What are you making?" He hoped Kurama would be able to sense his feelings.

Evidently he did, because he smiled, though his eyes were still slightly pained, and said, "Coffee. Have you ever had it?"

"It's a human drink," Hiei said simply.

Kurama shrugged. "Well, all the same, I think you'd like it," he said, going back to the counter and picking up the pot. As he poured some of its contents into the cup, he said, "I was going to watch some TV. Do you want to join me?"

It was then that the thought that something was a little off crossed Hiei's mind. "What's TV?" he asked absently, trying to put his finger on the problem, so that he only half-heard the reply.

"It's kind of hard to explain, but it's something else I think you'll like. My favorite American show is coming on soon, and it's one I think you'll find rather amusing."

"Well…all right." _I'd like to lie down, anyway_…

It was as Kurama was helping him to the living room that Hiei realized what was up.

**And I want to tell you who I am.  
Can you help me be a man?  
They can't break me,  
As long as I know who I am.**

Kurama was being perfectly friendly, but…that was all it was. He was giving Hiei the sort of formality that he gave everyone…but didn't last night mean that Hiei _wasn't_ just like everyone else?

The nagging doubt resurfaced, but Hiei put it from his mind and let Kurama settle him on the couch. Once he was comfortable, Kurama sat down next to him, and quieted his thoughts by pulling him close and holding him, flicking on the TV with the remote.

Hiei stared at the black square inside the gray box across the room suddenly flashed and showed…people. Sound burst forth from it, too. "What the…"

Kurama chuckled. "It's all right, Hiei, it's supposed to do that. Look, it's starting."

So Hiei watched the moving pictures with Kurama, and soon he got the general idea of "television," with some help. The story of this particular "show," as Kurama called it, was about demons and humans, and how the demons attacked the humans a lot, but were stopped by a girl named "Buffy" who apparently died a lot while she saved the world, with the help of a strange group that Kurama referred to as the "Scooby gang."

Now, there was a lot that Hiei found undeniably false in that show.

But Angel and Spike were _hot_.

**And I want a moment to be real.  
Wanna touch things I don't feel.  
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.  
And how can the world want me to change?  
They're the ones that stay the same.  
They don't know me,  
Cause I'm not here.**

About halfway through the episode, Kurama looked down and realized that Hiei was sound asleep, and it didn't look like he would be waking for a while. Carefully, Kurama slid off the couch, and crept into the kitchen to the phone. Picking it up, he hesitated for a moment, then dialed a number.

After a couple of rings, a sleepy voice mumbled, "Hello?"

"Kuwabara, were you still asleep? It's 12:30!"

"K'rama? Hi…"

"What were you doing in bed this late in the day?" Kurama whispered.

"Up all night…watching a Buffy marathon…why're you whispering?"

"There was a Buffy marathon? How come I didn't know there was a Buffy marathon?"

"I dunno…I repeat, why're you whispering?"

"Hiei's asleep in the next room."

"_What?_ Hiei's there?" Kuwabara yelped.

Kurama sighed, and sat down at the table. "Yes, he's here…"

"And from your tone he isn't too good."

"He's been here for five days."

Kuwabara yelped again. "And you've been letting us worry all this time? Why didn't you _tell_ us?" he asked, a bit of anger creeping into his voice.

"It's not that simple."

"And just _what_ is so complicated about it, Kurama? He's our friend, too, you know!"

"Kuwabara, listen to me before you fly off the handle. Yes, I kept this from you, but…not deliberately! Honestly! I just…I was too busy trying to take care of him. He slept for three days, you know. He woke up yesterday. But…"

"He's depressed, isn't he?"

"Well…yes, but…that isn't all. He…"

"He's been cutting."

It was not a question, and Kurama was taken aback. "Well…yes…but how…?"

"And when you found him, he had cut too deep and then gotten himself attacked."

"Yes, and…"

"And you actually didn't want to call because you didn't know what to say?"

"How can you possibly know all that?" Kurama asked, amazed.

"Kurama, it doesn't take a genius. If it did I would be in the dark. His sister is dead." Kuwabara's voice shook. "She was the last person he had, and he thought she died not even knowing it. It must have been horrible. And the day before he left, I noticed him favoring his arm a little. Then when he went 'missing' my suspicions were confirmed."

"Oh…and does…?"

"Yusuke doesn't know. I didn't want to tell anyone until I knew for sure it was the right thing. So…is it?"

"Is it what?"

"The right thing."

Kurama sighed heavily and ran a hand over his face and through his hair, then dropped his arm back to the table. "I don't know," he said, his voice cracking a little.

"Are you all right?" Kuwabara asked, and the question was voiced to gently, with such concern, that all thoughts Kurama may have had of lying flew out the window.

"I don't know. I…I don't think so."

"Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"

"It's just…how could he _do_ this?" Kurama asked, not even noticing his volume. "How could he try to kill himself? I can't understand how he could want to leave us so badly!" _How he could want to leave me…_ "I feel so sorry for him, but…but I'm also…"

"Angry?"

"_Yes!_ I'm _furious_ with him!"

**They can't tell me who to be,**

**Cause I'm not what they see.**

**Yeah, the world is still sleeping,**

**While I keep on dreaming for me.**

**And their words are just whispers and lies**

**That I'll never believe.**

**And I want a moment to be real.**

**Wanna touch things I don't feel.**

**Wanna hold on and feel I belong.**

**And how can the world want me to change?**

**They're the ones that stay the same.**

**They don't know me,**

**Cause I'm not here.**

"I wasn't at all angry last night. I was just so glad he was all right. But…I spent all night dreaming about him dying, and I woke up so angry that I could barely see straight. What is _wrong_ with me? I don't understand!"

"Well, do you know what you're angry about?" Kuwabara asked calmly.

"No! That's what I don't understand!"

"Well, when you woke up this morning, what was the first angry thought that came to your mind?"

Hiei listened carefully from the living room. Kurama had, apparently, forgotten that he was asleep, because he was using normal tones now, and it was easy to hear him.

"I thought that…he was selfish," Kurama said. "To take someone else away from us. To make us go through that pain again. I thought it was selfish and cruel and…and I keep wondering…was saving him even the right thing to do?"

**I'm the one now  
Cause I'm still here.  
I'm the one  
Cause I'm still here.  
I'm still here.  
I'm still here.  
I'm still here.**

* * *

_Author's Note: Sorry this took so long! I haven't had time to write a word in weeks! I'll try to get the next chapter up faster, I promise! But I also have my original to write, so this could take a while…_

* * *

**Reviewers' comments:**

**Youko-Rose**: Thanks for the review! Nice people always have me walking on air…and yes, there will be two more chapters after this one, maybe more but probably not. If you like shounen ai, could you please read and review my Fluff series? Please please _please_?

**maliks-dragon**: Thanks for the review and I should be thanking the readers, not the other way around!

**Firedemonlover**: Thanks for the review! I know, poor Hiei is going to snap under the weight of the world…

**SitDog-Boy**: Yeah, sure I'll kill Kuwabara…WHEN IT SNOWS ON THE FOURTH OF JULY IN FLORIDA! I'm sure you can kill him yourself…and while you're at it, why don't you just take the heart and soul out of the whole show? I WON'T KILL KUWA-CHAN! Other than that, thanks for the review!

**inuyashapup**: Thanks for the review! And I'll read your fic the second I have a free minute, but they don't come along often…**cries**

**darknesspirals**: Thanks for the review! And like I say a lot, my people NEVER stay in character…that's the best you can hope for…

**KyoHana**: Thanks for the review! And of course there's more to come! I love longer fics…

**Kristin398**: Thanks for the review! But it's not over yet…

**Evene**: It's all right, just thanks for taking the time to review this chapter! And…THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PUBLISHING COMMENT! My biggest dream is to publish a story…and it doesn't matter to me, I love to get anyone's opinion, but most of all NON-professional people.

**Jessica**: Thanks for the review!


	4. Are You Happy Now?

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the plot._

* * *

Chapter 4

**Now, don't just walk away,**

**Pretending everything's ok.**

**And you don't care about me.**

**And I know there's just no use**

**When all your lies become your truths and I don't care...**

**Yeah, yeah, yeah**

There was silence on the other end of the conversation for a moment, and then Kuwabara spoke in a low, dangerous voice. "How can you even _think_ those words, much less _say_ them?" His tone was one few had ever heard, for he only used it when he was angry enough to kill. It was the one he had used right before he had helped Hiei get vengeance for Yukina's death, and it was the voice that betrayed how dangerous he really could have been if he chose.

Kurama hurried to make amends. "No, no, I didn't mean it that way! Just…he's so sad. Was it wrong to make him keep feeling this way? Is it selfish? Do you think he could be happy if things turned out differently? He may be with Yukina right now without my interference!"

He heard Kuwabara sigh, and his voice went back to normal. "Kurama, I don't think anyone can answer your questions. All I know is that I'm glad the shrimp's still around, and if that means I'm a horrible person, then I guess I am. Aren't you happy to have him back, too?"

Kurama felt a sudden need for coffee, and he got up and took the cordless phone to the counter so that he could pour himself another cup. As he did, he answered the question in the calmest voice he could muster. "I am, but…Kuwa, he's so different now. He's…quieter, almost silent, and he doesn't shy away from help like he used to. He still tries to handle everything by himself but I think he'll let us help him, if we give him enough time and space."

"Isn't that good?"

"Yes, it's terrific, but…oh, I don't know! Something just feels _wrong_!" Kurama burst out, frustrated. "And I don't know what to do to make it right again!"

And with no warning, a powerful longing rose in Kurama. Suddenly, he wanted nothing more than to tell Kuwabara the truth.

**Could you look me in the eye  
And tell me that you're happy now?**

**Ohhh, ohhh  
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased?  
Are you happy now?  
Are you happy now?**

"Kuwabara…"

"Yeah?"

"…"

"Kurama? What?"

"Um…I have something to tell you." Kurama barely managed to keep his voice from shaking.

There was a long silence, and then Kuwabara said in a strange voice, "Oh, my God." Kurama, puzzled, started to speak, but Kuwabara continued in that weird, tight, restrained voice that gave the impression that he was about to pop. "Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my _God_!"

"What? What in the world are you so…er…well, I don't know exactly _how_ you sound, but what are you making such a racket about?"

"Oh, my God, you kissed Hiei!"

**You took all there was to take,  
And left me with an empty plate,  
And you don't care about it, yeah.  
And I am givin' up this game.  
I'm leaving you with all the blame cause I don't care.**

**Yeah, yeah, yeah.**

"……"

"Well, didn't you?"

"………"

"Kurama?"

Kurama realized that his mouth was open and closed it quickly. "H-how did you know?"

His eardrums were nearly shattered by a loud, "YEEEEEK!"

"Kuwabara, what…?"

"I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEW IT! I _KNEW_ YOU TWO WOULD GET TOGETHER! When? Where? How? Details, man, details!"

Kurama took a long drink of coffee to steady himself. "How did _you_ know if _I_ didn't know?"

"Oh, Kurama, get with the program! _Everyone_ knew you liked him! We've known it for months," Kuwabara told him, sounding exasperated.

"Who's _we?" _Kurama asked in shock.

"Me, Yusuke, Koenma, Botan, Genkai, George, every demon in the Dark Tournament, your mother…"

"My _mother?"_ Kurama shrieked, nearly dropping the phone. "My _mother_ knew?"

"Yeah, of course. I mean, obviously she didn't know _all_ of it, but she knew that you two had been close for years, and she could tell that you liked him. She told us not to confront you about it."

"So…was I the only one who didn't know I loved him?" Kurama asked weakly.

"Apparently," Kuwabara said. "And Hiei, too. He knew how he felt about you, but not that you felt the same. That much was obvious whenever he _looked_ at you."

"How did I not _know_ about this?" Kurama asked, stunned.

"Only explanation I have is that you're an idiot. Now give me all the details. Well, I mean, not any R-rated conversation, but just give me _something_ to work with!" Kuwabara demanded.

"Isn't it the girls that are supposed to be doing this?"

"Talk."

"Do I have to?"

"Yes. Unless it's deeply personal and I know it's not because it's clear that you're dying to talk so spill."

Kurama smiled, even though Kuwabara couldn't see him. "Well, it was just…normal, I guess, though I've never kissed a guy before, so I can't tell. It was after he woke up, and we were talking."

"About Yukina?" Kuwabara asked, in a way that reminded Kurama how much his other friends had lost the day Yukina and Genkai died. Kuwabara had lost his love, and Yusuke, he mentor and surrogate grandmother. It would take all of them, not just Hiei, a long time to begin healing from this."

"Yes," Kurama replied in answer to the question. "And he was telling me that all he could think about was that Yukina died thinking that her brother had abandoned her. So, I told him that she knew, and…" For a moment, Kurama hesitated, then skipped over the part where Hiei had cried, because that was his business only. "And then he told me that he had been cutting himself. He told me…he told me that it was because he knew I would never love him."

"I know what you're thinking, and you aren't responsible. You couldn't have known and Yukina's death would've gotten to him anyway. So, he told you that, and then…"

"And then he started babbling," Kurama said, more than willing not to argue with Kuwabara. "He said all these things out of stress, things he never would've said before. And it was so…cute, and when he looked up again, I…kissed him."

**Could you look me in the eye?  
And tell me that you're happy now?**

**Oohh oohhh.  
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased?  
Are you happy now?**

**Ohhh, ohhhh  
Are you happy now?  
Are you happy now?**

**Yeah, yeah, yeah.**

There was a long silence, and then Kuwabara said, "So when's the wedding?"

Kurama spluttered and dumped his coffee into his lap. Yelping, he leapt up and ran for napkins, doing a sort of jig as the hot liquid burned through the fabric of his pants. "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!"

Kuwabara was chuckling, though weakly; such things as laughter came much less easily now. "I wasn't serious!"

"Shut up."

"Hey, I hafta go. I want to call Yusuke. You don't mind if I tell him, do you?"

"I guess not. Why?"

"Excellent! I want to collect my winnings on you and Hiei."

"You were taking _bets_?"

But Kuwabara had already hung up. Grumbling, Kurama went back to see if Hiei was still asleep.

A few seconds later, he came flying back in and grabbed up the phone, hitting redial.

"Hello?"

"Kuwabara, he's gone! Hiei's gone!"

**Do you really have everything you want?  
You can't ever give somethin' you ain't got.  
You can't run away from yourself.**

Hiei stopped and leaned against the brick wall of a large building, holding his side and panting. He had been walking for nearly half an hour, and every inch of him was either aching, burning, or in some other kind of pain. He wanted nothing more than to sit down, but he had nowhere to go.

Maybe leaving Kurama's house so suddenly was _not_ such a good idea, but Hiei couldn't stay there. After hearing Kurama question the wisdom of keeping him around, Hiei had felt a need to get out and run away as fast as possible, and he had given no thought to his injuries.

But now he was sharply reminded of how many broken bones he had…

He didn't care. As long as he didn't have to face Kurama again, he could deal with anything.

But he didn't know what he was going to do now. He wouldn't last two minutes in Makai in this state, and he had no desire to die anymore. Kurama had taken that. But he had no one to go into the Ningenkai, either. He had no friends that he would admit to having, and none of that stupid human currency. Usually, he would simply live in a tree and steal what he needed, but without Kurama's miracle elixir, by the time he was up to that he would be dead. So how was he going to survive? And why did it suddenly seem to matter so much?

Hiei hardly noticed when he started to move forward, and it wasn't until he reached the park that he was dragged out of his exhausted state by loud shouts.

They were faint at first, but grew in confidence the closer they got. Hiei looked around, trying to discover the source, and saw a small group racing toward him, screaming and yelling. Behind them, a tall, misshapen figure lumbered along.

As they got nearer, Hiei realized that the tall thing was a demon, probably of the low C class. It had dull red skin, and its teeth glittered menacingly as he leered. A thick club swung from his massive hand.

All in all, he looked rather stupid.

_But how did he get here?_ Hiei wondered as he started forward again, this time toward the demon. _And why do I want to kill him so badly? All he's doing is chasing some annoying human…_

When Hiei was about five yards away, the demon looked up from the frightened humans and saw him.

The demon smirked at what it must have considered an amusing sight. Hiei stood unsteadily, swaying as he fought to stay up. His arm was still in its sling and his good hand held his bandaged ribs. He was cursing fluently in several languages, having realized that he had left his sword at Kurama's.

Hiei froze the smile on his face with a glare. "Leave them be," he said in the Makai language, with a voice cold enough to freeze flame. "_I _can give you a real fight."

"You?" the demon said in a slow, guttural voice that made him sound as dumb as he looked. "You can barely stand, little child."

Hiei turned and fixed his eyes on the humans. There were three of them, all about Yusuke and Kuwabara's age. They were watching him with wide eyes, though their looks occasionally flicked fearfully to the demon. They hadn't budged an inch.

Hiei felt a flicker of annoyance, and he snapped in Japanese, "Well, what are you waiting for? Stop staring and _go,_ fools! And tell _no one_ of this. If you do the number of days you have to live can be counted on one hand."

The human ran, and Hiei turned to the demon. "I'm in _no_ mood for this, so let's just get it done," he snapped, reaching up to tear off the headband. His Jagan opened and Hiei felt new strength in his blood. His pain faded, and he could fight.

It wouldn't last forever, but long enough.

**Could you look me in the eye,  
And tell me that you're happy now?**

**Yeah, yeah.  
Come on,**

**Tell it to my face or have I been replaced?  
Are you happy now?**

**Ohhh, ohhhh.  
Are you happy now?**

The demon faltered for a moment when it saw the Jagan and finally realized who he was facing. But he must have figured that it wouldn't be too difficult to kill him in his obviously weakened state, and he smirked and lifted his club.

Hiei had no weapon other than his own body, and so he put it to good use. He took advantage of his opponent's lack of speed and darted to the side before it could start toward him, and before it could figure out where he had gone, he leapt silently into the air and threw a punch. The thing was pathetic, and Hiei felt bone give under his fist as the jaw broke.

He ignored the discomfort the punch had caused, and flew around to unleash a flurry of blows on the demon's face, chest and stomach. He swung the club everywhere but his speed was no match for Hiei's and he soon began to tire.

Hiei's next hit broke the hand that held the club, and his last broke the long red arm at the elbow. The demon howled in pain and dropped his weapon, falling to the ground. Hiei landed silently, and looked at the pitiful lump that was now the demon. Raising his hand, he concentrated and opened a portal to Makai. "Go," he snapped, kicking the demon, which didn't even look at him before scrambling frantically through the portal. Hiei closed it right after he disappeared, and then stumbled over to a park bench and sat down heavily.

Now that the fight was over, exhaustion crept over him. Normally, fighting a low-class demon wouldn't tire him in the slightest, but now he was so tired he could hardly breathe, and he felt as if his bones were fire, his skin needles. When he lifted his good hand to wipe the sweat off his head, he saw that it was shaking. He hurt, but he knew from experience that the greater pain was yet to come. Right now, all he wanted was to sleep. This spot looked secluded enough to do so, being surrounded on all sides by carefully planted trees with just a small place to leave. But he had to watch…had to make sure no one found him…

It was fully night when Hiei woke again to a hand on his shoulder. He sat up quickly and tried to grab whoever had touched him, but fell back with a cry as his insides seemed to explode. The hand still rested on his shoulder, but it was gentle and didn't seem to be trying to hurt him, so he lay still until the pain wasn't quite as bad, cursing himself for showing weakness to a potential enemy. Once he could breathe without it hurting overmuch, he opened his eyes and looked around him.

Kuwabara sat on the bench with him, watching him with concerned eyes. His hand held Hiei's shoulder, keeping him from moving too much. He wasn't saying anything, just looking at him carefully.

Hiei swore. "Go away, fool."

But Kuwabara didn't move, or speak. He just kept staring. And for once, it was Hiei who looked away. But not before Kuwabara got a good look at him. He nodded, apparently satisfied, and released his hold, allowing Hiei to sit up.

For a moment, Hiei debated simply leaving, but he was pretty sure that his legs wouldn't hold him, and so he sat, trying to ignore Kuwabara, who seemed determined to be silent. But it was hard not to ask why the oaf was here, and how he knew where to look.

"Kurama's really worried about you."

Hiei was startled, and guilty, but he tried not to let it show. Instead, he asked irrelevantly, "What time is it?"

"Almost ten o'clock. We've been looking for you since about twelve-thirty. Kurama's been out of his mind. He's called his mom, Yusuke, Keiko, Boton, and then the cops. I've been helping him track your ki, but it was too faint to help us find you. We looked through the park, but I guess this spot was too isolated."

"So is this the part I've seen on human TV where toy ask me why I ran off like that and tell me that no one is mad at me, just worried?" Hiei asked bitterly.

"Pretty much, except that I'm ready to kill you, and I would if you didn't look like hell. Hiei, do you know how _stupid_ you are?"

Hiei could feel himself tense in anger, but it was more directed at himself than anyone else. As Kuwabara had been explaining what had been going on all day, Hiei had gotten a picture of Kurama's reaction to his disappearance. He had, once again, hurt his love, and worse, he had done it with no thought of anyone but himself. He was a horrible person and that was all there was to it.

Kuwabara was still talking. "I mean, this may not be Makai, but in the condition you're in, you could easily have wound up dead in a ditch somewhere. But….I think I know why you did it." He turned and fixed his eyes on Hiei. "You heard, didn't you? When Kurama asked me if saving you was right?"

Hiei didn't have to answer; his silence said it all.

"You misinterpreted. He just thought that you weren't happy even with him. He wants you to be _happy_, Hiei. That's all. And he's willing to do whatever it takes to see you smiling again. But the thing is, he would much rather you stay with him than go with…with Yukina. He loves you so much. Anyone could see that he couldn't live without you. So…just think about that, all right?"

When Hiei remained silent, Kuwabara stood and said, "Okay. I'll leave you alone now. But I have to tell Kurama where you are. You understand that, I know." He touched Hiei's shoulder again, and turned to leave.

"Oaf?"

Kuwabara stopped but didn't turn around. "Hmm?"

"Could…could you take me back?"

Kuwabara did turn then, and he grinned for probably the first time since the accident. "Sure."

**Would you look me in the eye?  
Could you look me in the eye?  
I've had all that I can take.  
I'm not about to break,  
Cause I'm happy now.**

**Ohhh, ohhh.  
Are you happy now?**

* * *

_Author's Note: I'M SO SORRY! I have had no time to type lately! But there it is! R+R, please!_

* * *

**Reviewers' comments:**

**Forbiddensoul562**: Wow…much talking…I love people who babble in reviews…anyway…the chapters are only long because of the lyrics, I think. Maybe not, though, maybe I just talk too much. Thanks for the review, and I promise the next chapter will be up ASAP!

**T.K. Yurikoto**: Thanks for the review and yes, Hiei is actually watching TV. I also plan to introduce him to the phone, the internet, and junk food. MWAHAHAHA!

**necko yasha**: I continued, as you can clearly see. Thanks for the review!

**SitDog-Boy**: Yesh, Hiei _did_ take it the wrong way…stupid guy…and I'm not going to say anything about your Kuwabara opinion because that would just lead to ugliness, and I'd rather be friends with my reviewers. So…thanks for the review and keep on reading, if you please!

**Evene**: Ahh, a nice, constructive review. I love those. And you're right about the non-professionals. I, for one, write for the masses, not the pros, because it's their opinions that matter. Professionals mostly care just about the cash they can get off an author. And I'm not out of high school yet, either, so don't let that little detail stop you! And on the subject of Kuwa-chan…I love the guy, no matter what he looks like. He's my favorite character over even the beautiful Kurama. The only reason I haven't written a story on him is that, unlike everyone else, he is a _complete_ character. I can't capture him on paper and I can't find a plot for him. There's no angst or depression or anything like that. I love him for that…anyway, I digress. Thanks for the review and I hope you enjoy the rest!

**kikira-san**: Thanks for the review! And don't worry, it _will_ get better soon, I'll make sure of it.

**neckoyasha**: Thanks for the review!

**East Kaioshin**: Thanks for the review! And yeah, a lot of people thought it was a one-shot…I guess I made it sound too…finished.

**Inuyashapup**: I am SO SORRY I have not had time to read your story! I've just got so much on my plate and even now I have to get off the second I post this so my sister can use the computer for homework. But I WILL find time, I WILL!

**KyoHana**: You sure know how to call them, don't you? That wasn't _exactly _what I was planning to have happen, but I like it better this way, so it's all good. Thanks for the review!


	5. The Reason

_DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything._

* * *

Chapter 5

**I'm not a perfect person.**

**There's many things I wish I didn't do,**

**But I continue learning.**

**I never meant to do those things to you,**

**And so I have to say before I go**

**That I just want you to know…**

It didn't take long for Kuwabarato help Hiei home, but the whole time, Hiei raged at his incapacity, at the fact that it had taken him over half an hour to walk a distance that the oaf could go in less than ten. However, as soon as he saw Kurama's house, he forgot all about his anger.

The place had never looked so welcoming, but something was going on. There were far too many people there. Hiei saw no one that he knew, just a group of men in blue scurrying around or standing next to those things Kurama called cars.

"Cops," Kuwabara explained, before Hiei asked. "They're all trying to find you."

"They don't know what I look like," Hiei said flatly. He didn't like the idea of going through a group that big, especially when every person there had spent most of their day searching for him.

"Kurama has photos…little pictures of you."

"What? How did he get pictures of _me?!"_

Kuwabara smiled. "He takes them when you aren't looking or cuts them out of Makai wanted ads."

"Why?" Hiei asked, mystified.

"It's what people who are in love do. Or…well, stalkers do that, too, but Kurama's not a stalker."

Instead of trying to form a reply to this ridiculous statement, Hiei watched the stupid police run around, completely unaware that the one they were looking for was standing not fifteen feet away. Hiei knew that he should be thanking Kuwabara right now, but he wasn't quite ready for _that_ much to change yet. Still, he had to say _something…_

"Oaf?"

"What?"

"From now on, when you fight, step forward when you block. It'll help you direct your opponent where you want him to go, and gain you valuable ground which you would lose if you stepped backward, the way your mind automatically tells you to."

Kuwabara gaped at him for a moment, and then smiled slowly and said, "I'll be sure to remember that. So…should we go in now? I can sneak you in the back so you don't have to see the cops, and Kurama will be wanting to see you."

**I've found a reason for me**

**To change who I used to be,**

**A reason to start over new,**

**And the reason is you.**

"Now, one more time, sir. Is there _anywhere_ else that your friend could have gone, someplace you forgot to mention before?"

"Maybe…no…I don't _know_!" _THUD._

"Shuuichi, calm down…"

"Mother, please…"

"Your mother is right. We can only help you if you help us."

"Hey! That's _not_ what I meant! _I_ just wanted him not to punch a hole in the wall of his home. He's helping as much as he can! Can't you see how upset he is?"

"I understand that you're worried, but—"

"No. You can't _possibly_ understand what I'm feeling right now. This goes way beyond worried, and your repetitive questions are not helping!" _THUD. CRASH._

"Are you going to find him, or not?"

"We aren't sure, Urameshi-san. It looks like this kid doesn't want to be found."

"Well, aren't you guys _hired_ to find people who don't want to be found?"

Kuwabara and Hiei listened with interest to the four people in Kurama's kitchen. They had snuck in through the back door, and gone through the living room to listen to the conversation through the cracked kitchen door. The people were easily identified: the stranger asking the questions must have been a detective, Kurama answered in a slightly hysterical way, Shiori was the one telling Kurama not to break things, and Yusuke would be the angry one.

"Yep, they've had this conversation about four times today," Kuwabara told Hiei. "Why don't you get in there before Kurama kills the chief of police?"

Hiei forced himself to nod. He would much rather have waited in Kurama's room, but it was impossible to know how long Kurama would spend arguing with the cops before coming up to try to get some sleep. It was time to face the music. Kuwabara let go of him, and he swayed a moment before steadying himself, then stumped forward, teetering comically. Kuwabara felt no urge to laugh.

When Hiei reached the doorway between the living room and the kitchen, he found it impossible to go any further. He stopped and leaned heavily against the doorframe. It was only then that he realized how much he had relied on Kuwabara's strength to get him back here. He hadn't actually _taken _it, though the Jagan longed to whip out and leech energy from the big orange-haired man. Still, he had let Kuwabara half-carry him all the way.

He didn't even care right now, though. His gaze was fixed on Kurama. No one in the room had seen him yet, so he waited, and watched.

The officer stood at the end of the table, facing the other three. He wore a badge on his blue uniform shirt, and in his hand was a notepad on which he had obviously just been writing. Kurama sat in a chair at the table. He looked exhausted, his eyes shadowed and red-rimmed, his hair unkempt, and his head supported by his hand. Yusuke stood behind him, his hands on Kurama's shoulders, lending what comfort he could, his whole body rigid as he glared at the police officer. Shiori leaned against the wall, also glowering.

Yusuke noticed Hiei first. His muscles relaxed, and his hands dropped to his sides. He closed his eyes and opened them again, slowly.

Kurama sensed the change in his friend, and raised his head. His arm fell to the table and his eyes locked with Hiei's. They came alive again, and his mouth formed Hiei's name.

Hiei felt himself smile, and it was an odd sensation. He didn't feel as if he should be smiling. "I think that was the stupidest thing I've ever done. What do you think?"

Tears sprang to Kurama's eyes, and before Hiei could feel guilty, the fox leapt out of his chair and sprang lightly across the room. He grabbed Hiei up in his arms and simply held him. Neither of them spoke; no words were needed. They weren't even aware of everyone watching them, and probably wouldn't have cared anyway.

The officer's eyes popped wide open when Hiei pulled Kurama down and kissed him, hard, and Yusuke gave an undignified snort of laugher. Shiori, too, smiled, then shook her head as the officer started to ask about Hiei's physical condition, and took him by the arm and led him out of the room, through the living room, and out the door. Yusuke followed them, and Kuwabara snuck out too, and then Kurama and Hiei were alone.

**I'm sorry that I hurt you.**

**It's something I must live with every day.**

**And all the pain I put you through;**

**I wish that I could take it all away,**

**And be the one who captures all your tears.**

**That's why I need you to hear…**

The two of them might have stood there, in Kurama's doorway, exchanging kisses, all night, if Hiei's legs hadn't decided at that moment to give up on him completely. They folded without his permission, and he fell halfway to the floor before Kurama caught him.

"Hiei-love what have you been _doing_?" Kurama cried, noticing how shaky the Jaganshi was.

Hiei's knees shook, but he glowed at the kitsune's name for him. "Oh, fighting demons, saving humans, this and that. I'm fine."

"And I'm supposed to believe that? Come on. We're going up to my room so I can have a look and see what you've done to yourself now." And ignoring Hiei's protests, he scooped the demon up off the floor and carried him up the stairs.

Over the next hour, Kurama cleaned and rebandaged all of Hiei's cuts, breaks, and scrapes, washing off all of the grime as he did so, and then he made some more of his medicine, and Hiei drank it while Kurama made them dinner down in the kitchen, after making Hiei promise to be in the room when he returned.

But finally, the bustle ended, and quiet fell over the apartment. Kurama brought up a big bowl of chicken soup, two sodas, and what he explained as "Season One of Buffy on DVD." Hiei had never heard of any of these things, but Kurama insisted that he would love every single one of them. He put in a DVD and joined Hiei on the bed. Hiei forgot pride and curled up next to him, enjoying the feeling of being so close to someone. Kurama balanced the tray with the soup on it over their legs, and ate with one hand while his other arm held Hiei close. Hiei took a bite of the stuff, and realized that he was ravenous and that the soup tasted amazing. He began to eat in earnest as Kurama turned out the light and the show started.

All in all, everything was, so far, absolutely perfect.

**I've found a reason for me,**

**To change who I used to be,**

**A reason to start over new,**

**And the reason is you.**

**And the reason is you.**

**And the reason is you.**

**And the reason is you.**

They didn't sleep until late that night, or rather, early the next morning. They ate all of the soup, drank the sodas, which Hiei found absolutely wonderful, and watched two episodes of Buffy. Then Kurama paused the DVD, and went downstairs for a bit. He came back with two bowls of something white and black, and introduced Hiei to a truly extraordinary food group: dessert.

Hiei probably should have known that it was too good to last.

They were just about to start the second DVD when Kurama picked up the remote and turned off the TV. He set his empty bowl on the table and turned to face Hiei. "We need to talk."

Hiei's first impulse was to look away, but he met Kurama's gaze squarely. "Yes, we do."

There was a long and silent battle over who would go first, and then Kurama said, "I'm sorry."

Hiei gaped. Of all the things he had expected Kurama to say, this had not even entered the realm of his thinking. He couldn't think of anything to say, so he simply waited for Kurama to continue.

"Well, it's my fault you ran away, isn't it?"

"How the hell do you figure?"

Kurama's voice was soft as he answered. "I should have let you go."

Hiei was actually struck dumb for a few seconds. He simply sat and stared at Kurama with wide eyes. For the first time, he made no attempt to mask his thoughts.

_Are you really that mad at me?…I thought you'd want me back…You confuse me…_

"I should have let you go," Kurama repeated. "You wanted to, wanted to be with Yukina. You would have been if I hadn't gone to Makai to get you. You would have been happy…I was just being selfish. I'm so sorry." Hiei tried to speak, but Kurama didn't notice and went on. "But you can't know how that would have killed me._ I_ can't even tell the extent of it. You and me, Hiei…we've lost so much, and I couldn't stand the thought of losing even one more thing. I didn't even take the time to think about you, and what you might want, which I guess is the reason you ran off. And…"

"Is it my turn yet?"

**I'm not a perfect person.**

**I never meant to do those things to you,**

**And so I have to say before I go**

**That I just want you to know…**

Kurama stopped mid-sentence at the words, happy to be interrupted because he really had no idea what to say next.

Hiei didn't wait for a reply to his question. "Stupid. We're both _stupid_, Kurama. All we had to do was _talk_, and this whole thing could have been avoided. Well, I'm ending the idiocy right now. Kurama, _none_ of this is your fault. You were just being _you_ when you saved me. You were just showing the part of your personality that I…I think I…love most. _I _was the selfish one. I was only concerned about my own pain, and I forgot that everyone else had lost something precious, too. I don't think Yukina and Genkai were the only ones to…to die that day. I think that a part of each of us died, too. I've been trying to figure it out, and I think that that kind of loss kills a bit of everyone. But…with the right touch, those parts can come alive again." And here, he gave Kurama a look that left no doubt to his meaning. "You shouldn't be punishing yourself, fox. I won't let you, because you did what no one else could. You have me a reason to live again."

Kurama's eyes filled with tears, and Hiei flushed red.

"And regardless of any of that, if you _ever_ breathe a word of this conversation to _anyone_, I'll set the Dragon on you."

Kurama chuckled and wiped his eyes. "You know, I think I love you, too."

**I've found a reason for me,**

**To change who I used to be,  
A reason to start over new,**

**And the reason is you.**

Hiei woke early, and the first thing he saw was that Kurama was still there. He was awake, and watching him with a little smile on his face.

"How long have you been awake?"

"Little while." Kurama leaned down and kissed him lightly. "How do you feel? From yesterday's adventures, I mean?"

Hiei shrugged, and bit back a groan as his muscles protested. "Sore."

Kurama's contentment changed instantly to concern. "I can imagine. Do you need the medicine?"

"No. I don't want you to leave."

"Are you sure?" Hiei nodded. "Good. I didn't want to get up yet," Kurama said, pulling Hiei even closer. "In fact, I don't think I ever want to get up again."

"I'm good for that. Can we watch the vampires some more?"

Kurama laughed out loud. "I _knew_ you were into it!"

"When does that English vampire come in?"

"Second season. We should be able to get there today…"

That day seemed…different, somehow. There were no issues clouding Hiei's mind, and Kurama was also content. They never actually got out of bed except to change disks, and instead spent the entire day snuggled together in bed, watching Buffy and talking about whatever came to mind. The phone rang off the hook until Kurama got tired of ignoring it and unplugged it, and twice someone came to the door and rang the bell for a while, finally leaving after nine or ten rings. When they got hungry, Kurama got snacks instead of cooking anything. Hours passed unnoticed in this manner, as the lovers reveled in their newfound happiness.

All in all, Hiei was utterly relaxed by the time day faded into night. The ache was still there and Hiei knew it would never fade completely, but somehow, it didn't seem so bad now.

**I've found a reason to show**

**A side of me you didn't know,**

**A reason for all that I do,**

**And the reason is you.**

* * *

_Author's Note: One more chapter to go and it's over! _**cries**_ R&R, please, people, and make me feel slightly better about finishing another fic!_

* * *

Reviewers' comments:

**DragonRose888**: Thanks for the review! Why do you twitch, though? Was it bad?

**East Kaioshin**: Nope, not the end, as is now obvious! One more chapter, and it will be, though. Which makes me very sad…and it's not a stupid question. I just realized how much I tend to make each chapter sound like the end of the story…gotta work on that…thanks for the review!

**SitDog-Boy**: Thanks for the review, and yes, everything did turn out okay…maybe…depends on the next and last chapter. And I'm sorry I took so long to update, but I wasn't feeling like typing lately…

**Forbiddensoul562**: Thanks for the review, but you are wrong about one thing…marshmallows did _not_ destroy the dinosaurs. It was an alliance of three races: French monkeys, dots, and gremlins. Did I put enough fluff in this chapter? Not enough? Too much? What's too much? Anyway…feel free to keep rambling in reviews, because I love a long review, no matter how pointless.

**KyoHana**: Thanks for the review, and I agree completely with you about Kuwabara. He is _not_ stupid and, barring a piano or a safe falling on his head, he never will be! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEADS, PEOPLE!

**Evene**: Thanks for the review! And I like Shizuru all right, but Keiko, Koenma, and Boton _really_ get on my nerves, so I'm with ya on that one. And about the season thing: I never really set this story in a season, did I? But you know, every scene in here I've just pictured in snow, too, so let's just say: yeah, it's winter. It does sound wintry, doesn't it?

**Jessica**: Thanks for the review! And that's why I made Kuwa find him: so they could talk for a change.


	6. Because You Loved Me

_DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything._

* * *

Chapter 6

**For all those times you stood by me,**

**For all the truth you made me see,**

**For all the joy you brought to my life,**

**For all the wrong that you made right,**

**For every dream you made come true,**

**For all the love I found in you,**

**I'll be forever thankful, baby.**

**You're the one who held me up,**

**Never let me fall.**

**You're the one who saw me through it all.**

"Hiei-love, you know we have to get up soon, don't you?"

"Why should we?" Hiei asked lazily, reaching across Kurama to take a chip from the bag he held.

"Because soon, the other will break down the door."

"Hmm…plus we're running out of Buffy."

"Not true, actually—there are five more seasons downstairs, plus the really corny movie. But I'm starting to feel guilty for keeping you to myself."

Hiei smiled, and tilted his face up for a kiss. "I'm not. You're my favorite, and they know it. Besides, they want to see you, not me. They _always_ want to see you." His tone was one of relief, not bitterness—he didn't like talking to people.

"That isn't true, Hiei, no matter how much you wish it were. They were all worried to death when you went missing—well, except me. _I_ kept it together the whole time."

"And I'll hold to that story even if they question us separately," Hiei said, smiling. He was surprised at how easy that was starting to become. "I think you're wrong, though. They want an excuse to throw a party, if anything, and _I_ just want to ignore them and stay right here until starvation forces me up."

"And I want that too, but…"

"But your polite streak won't allow it," Hiei said knowingly. "Fine, fine, call them. But if you're going to force me up, I want that ice cream stuff. A _lot_ of it. And we'll finish Buffy before you call."

Hiei went to push aside the quilt, but froze with a grimace as pain shot through his side and chest. With a groan, he dropped against the pillows and closed his eyes. That had been the first real movement he had made, and it _hurt_. In addition to all his initial injuries, he was sore from fighting the demon, and now his muscles screamed in protest with each pull.

An arm encircled his shoulders, and then one slid under him, and he was lifted carefully off the bed. Hiei rested his head on Kurama's shoulder without protest, a first for him. But he had come to terms with the fact that he had to start relying on people if he was going to stay here—and he had absolutely no intention of going anywhere now—and this was a start.

**You were my strength when I was weak.**

**You were my voice when I couldn't speak.**

**You were my eyes when I couldn't see.**

**You saw the best there was in me.**

**You lifted me up when I couldn't reach.**

**You gave me faith 'cause you believed.**

**I'm everything I am**

**Because you loved me.**

"_I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE JUST DID THAT_!" Hiei screeched. "She…with the sword…and the…and… _SHE KILLED HIM_! Ow…"

"Calm down, beloved, shouting will only hurt you."

"Kurama, how can you be so calm? She _killed_ him!"

Kurama smiled. "I've explained it to you, Hiei. Angel had no soul, and he opened the portal that could suck the world into hell. Once it was open, only Angel's blood could close it. Buffy _had_ to do it, to save the world."

"But…it's like she _blames_ him or something! She killed him for something that isn't even really his fault!"

"I know, and it's unfair, but Hiei, you're taking this kind of seriously…"

"Well, how can I _not_? I spent the last day watching _nothing_ but this guy, and the _whole_ time, he was in love with her, and then she…_I HATE THAT CHICK_!"

Kurama couldn't help it. He laughed. The look on Hiei's face was just too funny. He laughed until tears came into his eyes, and Hiei just stared at him the whole time, which only made things worse.

The phone rang, and Kurama took a deep breath to stop his laughter, wiped his eyes, and picked up the cordless, keeping one arm around Hiei.

"Hello? Oh, hello, Yusuke. Yes, we're up. We've been up for hours. I know, but…yeah. I'm sorry about that. Exactly. Yes. We've just been waiting for someone to call again. Yes. That's fine. Mm-hmm, of course. No…Yusuke, _no_. You know how I feel about that subject. _Yes_, I'm sure. Why would I _not_ be sure? Don't you dare suggest that I'm overreacting_ again_. All right. Good. You tell him. See you soon. Bye." He clicked off the phone and said, "Yusuke, Kuwabara and the girls are coming over."

Hiei groaned at the thought of giving up private time with Kurama, but he knew that it was important to the kitsune, and so he kept silent, and simply prayed that everyone would leave quickly.

He never admitted, even to himself, that there was another reason for his reluctance. But if he had allowed himself to think about it, he would have had to admit that he was…not _frightened,_ exactly, but rather…nervous, at the thought of seeing everyone. He knew very well that he had put everyone through the wringer during the last days, and not long before, that would not have bothered him in the slightest, but now he felt…horrible, and full of self-loathing.

Very annoying.

**You gave me wings and made me fly.**

**You touched my hand, I could touch the sky.**

**I lost my faith; you gave it back to me.**

**You said no star was out of reach.**

**You stood by me and I stood tall.**

**I had your love, I had it all.**

**I'm grateful for each day you gave me.**

**Maybe I don't know that much,**

**But I know this much is true.**

**I was blessed because I was loved by you.**

Hiei spent the next half hour trying to seem interested in Buffy and not at all apprehensive about seeing the group again, but he didn't think Kurama was convinced. What was more, from the way Kurama's eyes darted from the clock, to the door, to Hiei, to the TV, he was almost as nervous, though Hiei got the feeling it was about something else entirely.

Finally, though, they gave up any pretense of calm. Kurama picked up the remote and turned the show off. The bright blue DVD screen glared coldly at them—in the near-darkness of the room, Kurama's face seemed oddly distorted by the reflection—until Kurama turned the TV off, too.

Hiei expected him to say something then, about how he shouldn't be nervous, or how their friends would still love him no matter what (he seriously doubted that they had liked him much to begin with) but the fox said nothing.

Minutes passed before Kurama spoke. "You're worried."

Hiei jumped, startled at his calm, low-pitched voice, which pierced the silence like thunder. It wasn't a question, but Hiei felt that he should reply anyway. "Yes."

"I am, too."

"I noticed that."

"Yes, but I am worried for…different reasons."

"I noticed that, too. Who is it that you don't want me to see?" Kurama looked at him in surprise, and Hiei knew it even if he didn't see it because he was focusing on the wall. "I'm not usually that observant, but I can tell. Who is it?"

Kurama heaved a sigh, and started to speak, but then the door banged open with hurricane force and a voice sang out from the hall. "THE FUN HAS ARRIVED!"

Hiei thought Kurama looked relieved, but he couldn't be sure in the uncertain lighting.

"Jeez, why're you sitting around in the dark? That's sorta manic-depressive…"

"Hello, Shizuru," Kurama said politely as Kuwabara's sister flicked on the light. "Where is your brother?"

"Still out in the car," Shizuru said, rolling her eyes. "Baby bro isn't too quick, ya know."

"Hey, sis, where should I put all this?" A voice called from the hall right then. "And while we're on the subject, why did _I_ have to be the one to carry it all?"

Shizuru shouted back at a volume that made Kurama wince, even though the two only had the foyer separating them. "I _told_ you! Go around back and put it in the kitchen. AND THEY'RE STANDING RIGHT HERE, YOU GREAT OAF!"

Kuwabara either ignored her or—far less likely—didn't hear, and a second later the door banged closed.

"Shizuru, what's going on?" Kurama asked, bewildered, already headed for the kitchen.

Shizuru grabbed him by the shoulder and didn't let him go further. "Stay. I promise he won't trash the kitchen." Still holding onto him, lest he break away to check on his kitchen, Shizuru turned and said easily, "Hi, Hiei, how's it hangin'?"

Hiei gaped at her tone; he couldn't help it. He didn't know what he'd expected, but she acted as if the last days hadn't happened, as if he hadn't disappeared twice and nearly gotten himself killed. It was…unsettling, and didn't bring the relief he thought it would.

Just as he started trying to analyze this, Yusuke came in, carrying a boom box and a case of CDs, and Hiei happily set the thought aside to find out what was going on.

"Hey, guys, where should I set this up, Kurama?"

Kurama just stared at him, bemused, until Shizuru nudged him and said, "You look like an idiot. Yusuke, just find a place to hook it up."

"What," Kurama asked slowly, "is going on here?"

"Kazuma's already in the kitchen," Shizuru said to Yusuke, as if Kurama didn't exist.

"Good. Keiko and Botan are headed that way, too. You got it all?"

"Everything we were supposed to, I think, yeah."

"EXCUSE ME!" Kurama practically shouted. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING TO MY HOUSE!"

Shizuru looked at him with something akin to surprise on her face. "You haven't guessed yet?"

"It's you and Hiei's party, obviously!" Yusuke said, as if Kurama was quite daft.

"Um…what?" Kurama asked faintly.

"Your _congrats_ party, fox-boy!" Yusuke told him. When Kurama simply stared some more, Yusuke sighed and spoke very slowly. "You and Hiei just got together—finally. Ergo, party. We go to the store and empty our pockets on food and drink and we come here. Do you understand _now_?"

Kurama didn't say a word, but this time his silence was different, and Yusuke didn't say anything else.

**You were my strength when I was weak.**

**You were my voice when I couldn't speak.**

**You were my eyes when I couldn't see.**

**You saw the best there was in me.**

**You lifted me up when I couldn't reach.**

**You gave me faith 'cause you believed.**

**I'm everything I am**

**Because you loved me.**

In less than an hour everything was in full swing. Yusuke, Kuwabara, Shizuru, Keiko, Botan, Hiei and Kurama were the only ones, so it wasn't actually a _party_, more like seven people sitting around in Kurama's living room, listening to music—Yusuke actually had a pretty good selection—and eating chips, chocolate, and Ramen of all flavors, courtesy of Keiko and her parents.

And talking, of course, though they spoke of nothing sad or depressing, but rather light, fluffy subjects like school and TV and movies. No one seemed to want to mention or even think about what had been going on lately. Something was wrong with that, Hiei knew, but he couldn't quite figure out what it was, and it wasn't until the eighth person joined their party that he was able to put his finger on it.

They were between chip bags when he came, but other than the brief argument over who would cover the vast distance to the kitchen to go get more—Botan was elected—everything was quite peaceful. Kurama sat on the couch, and Hiei was stretched out with his head in the kitsune's lap, nursing his aches and listening to the conversation as it flowed over him. The others had arranged themselves on the arms of the couch and the floor.

Kuwabara was talking to Kurama about college—winter break was ending, and so he would be going back soon—and how much he liked it, especially since the campus was close enough to let him live at home. Kurama had decided to take a year off between high school and college, but he had begun to think on the subject recently, and wanted to hear all about Kuwabara's experiences.

Kuwabara had just been recounting his latest anecdote when the front door opened again. Everyone—except Hiei, who seemed to have fallen asleep—looked at each other, confused, wondering who else could be joining them when almost everyone who knew where Kurama's house was located was sitting in his living room.

Then Koenma strode into the room.

Well, not so much "strode in" as "poked his head in, looked around nervously, and then cautiously stepped in."

He was in his adult form, decked out in his red cape as usual, but he looked far from confident. In fact, as he paused in the doorway, and looked at each of them in turn, there was something like to fear in his eyes.

Kurama's hand, which had been combing absently through Hiei's hair, stilled suddenly, and he locked eyes with the Reikai prince and murmured coldly, "You're not welcome here."

Koenma looked pained, but also a bit angry. "Kurama—"

"Get out."

XXX

Hiei opened his eyes slowly. He felt that something was going on, but he wasn't aware enough to be sure what it was. The last thing he remembered was falling asleep from the utterly relaxing feeling of being so close to Kurama, listening to him talk. But now, Kurama's hand was no longer stroking his hair, and his body was tense, his muscles tight.

Hiei opened his eyes in alarm and say halfway up, but no one noticed. They were all looking at Koenma, and Hiei wondered for a moment how he had gotten here, and when. But he forgot that question in favor of a more important one: why was Kurama so angry?

He turned his head slightly to the side, and saw with shock that Kurama looked _worse_ than angry. His normally gentle face was pale and seemed carved from stone, and there was murder in his eyes. He didn't even seem to _notice_ Hiei.

Then Hiei noticed that everyone was looking at Koenma in a similar way to Kurama, though they weren't quite as intense in their anger. Koenma seemed to be the only other person in the room who _wasn't_ glaring. He simply looked sad.

But _why_ was he sad? _Why_ was everyone angry? _What was going on_?

Hiei was about to ask this question when Kurama spoke again. "I told you never to come near me or Hiei again. _Go_, before I decide to go through with my threats."

"Kurama, _please_, hear me out," Koenma said, and he sounded more desperate than Hiei had even heard him sound. "_Please_. I didn't _mean_ for this to happen, as I've been telling you!"

"So what if you didn't? It changes nothing. Go _away_!"

And slowly, everything began falling into place. _Koenma_ was the one Kurama didn't want Hiei to see. It was _Koenma_ who was a sore subject with the kitsune. But that didn't answer the "why."

The Kurama continued, and_ that_ made sense, too. "Have you even _looked_ at him? He's _broken_ because of you. _You_ sent us off on that ridiculous mission, and Yukina and Genkai…and then you sent Hiei off, alone, even though you _must_ have had some idea of what would happen. He nearly _died_, Koenma, and he would have if…if…_how could you do this to him? _To _all of us?_"

_So this is it…Kurama blames Koenma for the deaths…and for me…being like this…they _all_ think it's his fault. I wonder…should I feel this way, too? After all, he _did_ send us there…_

"Don't blame him. It isn't his fault."

Hiei started and looked around to see who had spoken. They were all so angry with Koenma…it didn't make sense that someone would say that…

Then he realized that every single person in the room had shifted their attention from Koenma to…him.

**You were always there for me,**

**The tender wind that carried me,**

**A light in the dark,**

**Shining your love into my life.**

**You've been my inspiration.**

**Through the lies you were the truth.**

**My world is a better place because of you.**

Hiei didn't know why he said the words, but the moment he did, he knew that they were true. He knew it the way he had known he loved Kurama, the way he had known the moment his sister died before he saw it was true—way down deep, where it counted. And while normally he would have simply loved to see Koenma get the crap verbally beaten out of him, something inside him was slowly changing, and he could no longer sit idly by and watch.

"It isn't his fault," he repeated, as if saying the words again would make them all stop looking at him like that.

But all of them, even Kurama, kept staring at him with a mix of shock and confusion on their faces. Clearly, now that Hiei had said the words, he was going to have to back them up.

And so, right then and there, Hiei steeled himself, and did the most difficult thing he had ever done: he began to talk. He had never really _talked_ to anyone but Kurama—and even then only very recently—and now he was on Kurama's couch, barely able to sit up, talking to—or rather, at—seven people who were all looking at him as if he had grown an extra head, one of them being his new lover and absolute favorite person in the world, one a near-king of Makai, another the prince of the Reikai, an oaf, two annoying giggly girls, and one chick who could kickbox him halfway back to Makai if he said the wrong thing.

_Well…life has now come full circle… _

Hiei didn't really know what to say, and at first he fumbled for words. But then words suddenly began to jump from his mouth, without his conscious permission, saying everything he had been unable to before.

"Koenma isn't to blame. For _any_ of this. I did this to myself. Every broken bone, every bruise and scrape and ache, was caused through my own stupidity. Koenma didn't _make_ me pick up my sword one night and draw my own blood. He didn't _force_ me to become addicted to that kind of pain. When he sent me to Makai, I could have refused. I could have refused and he would have tried to compel me to go, and then I would have just left. He knew…he still knows…that he can't make me do anything. I went to Makai _of my own free will_, because, fool that I am, I wanted to die. I was just…tired. Of pain, and loss, and suffering, and…_life_. I wanted it to end, and when Koenma unknowingly offered the chance to me, I seized it. He can't be blamed for that; only me."

Hiei took a deep breath. This next part was going to be the hardest.

"And when he sent us all to take care of that thing…he was just doing his job. He can't be blamed for that either. I don't know what happened that day. None of us does. We've taken care of far more difficult things than that before, so the only conclusion that I can come up with is that all this was meant to happen. That's all it was. We just drew a poor hand from Fate that day. I'm sorry to say that it's taken me until this very moment to realize this. Until now, I've been searching for someone to hold responsible, too. Part of me would still like that, but if you all feel the same way, and need someone to place the guilt upon…Koenma isn't your man."

Hiei saw Koenma start at that, and the prince tried to catch his eye, but Hiei was carefully not looking at any particular one of them, but rather all of them, as a whole. If he looked at one of them directly, he would lose his thread, and unless he got all the words out right now, he knew he would never say them.

"I don't know where we go from here, but I do know one thing: _we have got to stop throwing the blame out_. It will just turn us against each other, and…that can't happen." His voice became quiet now, so quiet that someone standing less than an inch outside the room would have wondered why everything was so silent all of the sudden. "She…_they…_wouldn't want that."

And after that, he had nothing else to say. He folded his hands in his lap—he didn't know when he had sat all the way up, but it had happened—and stared at them, waiting for someone to break the silence.

Then he heard Kurama say softly, "Koenma, why don't you sit down?"

And suddenly the tension in the room—which had been thick enough to cut with a knife—collapsed utterly. Koenma joined the others, sitting cross-legged on the floor—Hiei could see his feet next to Kuwabara's—and Kurama took his seat again—Hiei had also been oblivious when he stood up.

Hiei didn't look at any of them; he was too preoccupied trying to keep the tears out of his eyes. But he didn't have to look up for at least one person there to be able to know his feelings.

Kurama's weight sank down next to him, and then Hiei was pulled into a tight embrace, and he didn't care when everyone saw him curl up against the fox, and let himself be held.

He didn't actually shed the tears that gathered in his eyes; they seemed content to just stay at the corners, threatening to fall but unable to. He just kept breathing past the lump in his throat, face buried in Kurama's chest, shaking slightly, listening to the silence.

Then Keiko abruptly said, "You know, if Genkai were around, she would stomp in right about now and smack us all over the head for being such dorks over her."

"Yeah, that's for sure," Yusuke told her. "She always did say that she didn't want a 'downer funeral.' And when I would ask her what other kind of funeral _existed_, she would just glare at me and tell me to shut up and get back to practicing."

Everyone laughed, and they were, at first, surprised and a little ashamed that they had, until Kurama said, "We've been going about this all wrong, you know. We've been keeping our pain to ourselves. Genkai and Yukina would want to be _remembered_, I think, but all we've been doing is trying to forget them. And it isn't helping."

And so, for the next three and a half hours, the eight of them—Kurama, Hiei, Yusuke, Kuwabara, Koenma, Keiko, Botan and Shizuru—who had all lost someone dear to them, sat in Kurama's living room, and talked about their lost comrades, friends, family, and mentors. They shared their favorite stories and ones that most of them had long forgotten.

And with each story told, a miraculous thing happened. Bit by bit, the pain lessened. Each time a story, a memory, was completed, they let a bit of Genkai and Yukina go. It wasn't as if all of the grief just magically disappeared, but it became far more bearable. It became so that each of them was able to think about Yukina and Genkai and, instead of crying, smile, and cherish the memories they still had of their loved ones.

That night, after everyone left for home, suddenly feeling much freer of spirit than when they had come, Hiei gave himself up to Kurama, body and soul. For he was ready for it now, ready to let himself be happy, completely and not just mostly. He knew now that it was what Yukina would have wanted, and that he had only dishonored her the whole time he had tortured himself.

And the one moment in which he actually managed to forget that she was not going to see him again in this life, in the one moment of true joy, he _felt_ her, and, somehow, he _saw_ her. She was just standing there, watching him, and there were tears running down her face even as she smiled. She was both full of joy, that he was happy, and terribly sad, because she would miss him so.

But the joy outweighed the sorrow, and just before she disappeared from his mind's eye until the day he met up with her again, above and beyond the world, she whispered these words to him, words that separated his old life from his new.

"Seize the second change you have gotten. Live life to the fullest extent, and don't hold back your love from anyone. And remember, whether you can see me with your eyes or only with your heart, I will _always_ love you, my brother."

**You were my strength when I was weak.**

**You were my voice when I couldn't speak.**

**You were my eyes when I couldn't see.**

**You saw the best there was in me.**

**Lifted me up when I couldn't reach.**

**You gave me faith 'cause you believed.**

**I'm everything I am**

**Because you loved me.**

* * *

_Author's Note: Well, that's it. It's over and I'm pretty sure I'm going to cry while I say this. Thanks to all of you who reviewed, even if you only did it once, because that still counts:_

_dragon of chaos_

_East Kaioshin_

_Inuyashapup_

_DragonRose888_

_kirallie_

_Noroi-Inu_

_Yoko Child of the Moon_

_Kurama'sGirl88_

_evil alien chickens_

_SitDog-Boy_

_Catie-brie_

_Evene_

_Jessica_

_KyoHana_

_Forbiddensoul562_

_T.K. Yurikoto_

_necko yasha_

_kikira-san_

_Youko-Rose_

_maliks-dragon_

_darknesspirals_

_Kristin398_

_Yarrie_

_KoveAiden_

_Firedemonlover_

_unnamed_

_THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! Reviews really do mean a lot to me…probably more than is healthy…_

_I will try to get my next story out soon, and it will either be another Hiei/Kurama shounen ai or a Gilmore Girls fic. Not sure which. Tell me which you'd prefer, please! I must have direction or I just float aimlessly in the universe!_

_NOTE: If anyone has stories they'd like to have written but do not want to write themselves, you can send them to me, if you'd like, at and I will see what I can make of them. But ONLY if you didn't want to write them yourselves. Just send them with your e-mail address and I'll write you back telling you if I can write it or not._

* * *

**Reviewers' comments:**

**dragon of chaos**: I _love_ Buffy. Not the person, the show, the person kinda sucks. And my favorite character…can I give you the top contenders? They are: Spike, Xander, Willow, and Giles. Out of the almost-always-there characters. Oz is good too, though, and Tara, and Kennedy, and…oh, to Hell with it, I love them all. Except Buffy. Anyway, thanks for the review! And about the Buffy/Yu Yu crossover, I have a plot for one but it may take me a while to begin writing it. Until then, look on this site for a story called "When Evil Comes to Play." The story was written by my sister, and it's AWESOME. You'll love it, I'm pretty sure. And be sure to review! She likes that!

**East Kaioshin**: Thanks for the review! And I didn't want to see the end of the story…that's why this took so long to come out…it makes me sad to finish it…

**Inuyashapup**: Thank you!

**DragonRose888**: Thanks for the review! And don't worry, I won't blow up at you just because you have an opinion! I _try_ not to, anyway…

**kirallie**: Thanks a lot!

**Noroi-Inu**: Thanks for the review! And "swanky" is, by the way, one of the best compliments I've gotten so far, because "swankified" is one of my favorite bogus words from the play "Wicked." Don't know where _that_ came from, but whatever…

**Yoko Child of the Moon**: Thanks! For _all_ of your reviews!

**Kurama'sGirl888**: Thanks! And sadly, yes, it _does_ have to end…I hate it, too…I _hate_ finishing fics…

**evil alien chickens**: Thanks! LMAO, great name, too! And about the being sad part…well, please see above.

**darknesspirals**: Thanks!

**SitDog-Boy**: I didn't want it to end either! wails But thank you so much for reviewing, and please review to tell me how you liked the end!

**Catie-brie**: Thanks for the review! And about Kuwabara…I _always_ write him in a positive light, because I love him so much. I don't think I could write him as people see him if I tried.

**Evene**: Why would I be afraid to reply to reviews? **genuinely confused** You mean some people don't _like_ to? Weird…and I love winter, too. Snow is so pretty…or it would be if I didn't live in the city where it's not on the ground five seconds before it's brown. And also, the very reason I had Kurama breaking things was that he's always calm. I wanted to show that Yoko can sometimes come out, too. So he broke stuff. Thanks for the review!

**Jessica**: Thanks!

**KyoHana**: Very poetic review! I like it! Thanks! But was the last chapter even half as good? PLEASE let me know!


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